Dear Darling Reader,
If this post has sparked your interest, you are likely a member of a “blended family,” a modern day yours, mine, and ours. Maybe you have learned to master “the co-parenting” curve life has thrown your way, or perhaps you are using your children as a pawn in a twisted game of war with your ex. Whatever your situation is, I’d like to share mine with you in hopes of shedding some light into some flawed logic.
If you are a Facebook user, you have probably encountered the atrocity of one parent completely blasting another on Facebook. I see it daily, and while some of it may be warranted, it is always, always, ALWAYS unnecessary to air your dirty laundry on Facebook, but I’ll rant on that later.
I didn’t meet my father until I was six years old, after finding out the man who I thought was my real father was a filthy, perverted criminal. (Reference “Dear Naive Mothers” for that back story.) When I met my father, he came as a package deal, including a step-mother and step sister. Looking back now, I can’t imagine the conversation that ensued between my step-mother and father after my mom made that initial phone call. I don’t remember a lot about meeting them all for the first time, but what I do remember changed my life forever. They loved me. My step-mom accepted me immediately, and poured her heart into my life from day 1.
In fact, my step-mother and my mother would grow to become great friends. In the years to come, we would take family vacations together, celebrate life events together, love, and laugh together. If my dad came to Georgia to visit, staying at a hotel was out of the question. He and his wife, along with my step-sister, would stay at my moms. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I began to understand what a rarity this is, and that my friends thought my family was completely crazy for “co-mingling.” I couldn’t disagree more. Their complete commitment in what was best for me shaped my life completely.
Furthermore, my father and step-father are great friends. There is no pride, competitiveness, or resentment from either of them. They have been a prime example of love and acceptance. I was so fortunate to have two wonderful men, walk me down an aisle to the man of my dreams.
If you are a Co-Parent and partake in any of the following, I encourage you to stop immediately.
- Withholding your children from their parent in an act of spite.
- Speaking negatively about the other parent or their spouse in front of children
- Arguing in front of children
- Telling your children lies about the other parent
- Hiding letters, gifts, or cards from other parent from children
- Not paying child support in an act of spite
You have the ability to instill life-changing attributes into your children, by simply learning to successfully co-parent. You will raise a child who understands what it means to forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain of the failed relationship, and allowing yourself to build stronger ones in the future. You will raise a child who humbles themselves to others. I can personally say that jealousy has never been a large issue in any of my relationships from my end. I felt no threat of ex girlfriends and secure in my relationship. I can contribute this back to the example of my mother and step-mother embracing one another into their lives. You will raise a child of acceptance. They will have the ability to find joy in difficult situations.
Allow yourself to put your pride and self-wants aside, and accept your situation for what it is. You and your ex have children, the most beautiful, life-changing gift to come from your failed relationship. These children had no say in your decision to separate and will grieve the loss of a future with their mother and father together. Give them the gift of a “blended” family. It won’t be perfect, and it won’t come easy, but it will be worth it.
Am I telling you to make your ex’s new beau your bestie? Absolutely not. I am asking you to humble yourself to the situation at hand. Greet the new significant other with a smile or a “Hey, how are ya?” next time you drop off the kids. Baby Steps. Years from now, you may find yourself in a house full of “yours, mine, and ours” and thank God for those unanswered prayers. The pictures below are from Christmas 2015. The super tall man on the right is my stepfather and directly beside him stands my father, all in my mother’s home. In the mix I have two step sisters, two sisters and a brother. But none of those titles matter. We are family.
My step-mother never took the place of my mom. I always loved my mom. But she gave me the gift of friendship, love, and my baby sister.
And also, the joy of a stepsister and raising our babies together (both picture pregnant with our second)
You have the ability to gift your children with life-changing relationships. I am so grateful my parents did.
If you feel that the well-being of your children is threatened by an influence brought into their life, I certainly encourage a steady distance between. Each situation is different, and often not ideal for children.
Mommy Mosaic 